remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
