Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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