So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
