TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My liver just had a heart attack.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
