i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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