My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize