seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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