In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
