At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
