the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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