Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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