Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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