Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
