So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
operation harelip BJ is a go
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Randomize
