My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
