he shaved USA in his pubs
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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