Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
