Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I forgot how hot balto sounded
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I understand Curling. That high.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
