We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
