he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
