K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
