i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
