I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
