Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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