thus making me awesome and them whores
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
