I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
