I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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