We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
