I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
