I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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