I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
