Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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