$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
