my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
