My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
