I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if only i could text you this smell
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Randomize
