turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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