After last night, I could never be a politician.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
