Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
