god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
