The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
