every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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