I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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