Don't make out with my wife yet
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
