Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I intend to get homeless drunk
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
