oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So many bounce houses so little time
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
