Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
