Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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