five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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