remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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