I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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