Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize