Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
