there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
