I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
