I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
