you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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